Over-The-Counter Nachos: Welcome to Snack Bureaucracy

Imagine walking into your favorite snack spot, craving nachos, only to be handed a clipboard and a list of rules longer than your last tax return. Welcome to the world of health-insurance-regulated nachos—a dystopian buffet of red tape, denied toppings, and over-the-counter “solutions” that no one actually wants.

First, you’ll need to select your chip plan. Basic tortilla chips are covered under the standard SnackCare package, but they’re thin, brittle, and will crumble at the mere sight of cheese. Premium chips are available if you’ve hit your deductible—but only the lightly salted kind, because flavor is considered a “nonessential upgrade.”

Next, brace yourself for the toppings approval process. Cheese, the foundation of nacho culture, is classified as a “Tier 3 topping” and requires pre-authorization. Your application will be reviewed by a Nacho Care Coordinator, who will deny it on the grounds that shredded lettuce provides the same nutritional value. Guacamole? Forget it. It’s an elective topping only covered under the Platinum Nacho Access PPO.

Salsa comes in a tiny, pre-measured cup with a sticker that reads: “One serving per platter.” Want more? You’ll need to file an appeal and wait 14 business days. Meanwhile, sour cream is stored behind a locked counter, requiring an ID and two notarized forms to access. Jalapeños? You’re encouraged to use a generic alternative like “spicy thoughts” instead.

And then there are the over-the-counter nachos. Designed for convenience but delivering despair, these nachos consist of plain chips, a dusting of cheese-flavored powder, and salsa in a packet that requires scissors to open. They’re technically nachos, but so is scraping the bottom of a Doritos bag.

Of course, if you somehow navigate the SnackCare maze and manage to assemble a full platter, expect a co-pay that rivals the cost of a concert ticket. And don’t forget the nacho fine print: “Additional fees may apply for chips deemed ‘extra crispy.’ Side effects of nacho consumption include joy, satisfaction, and existential rage at the system.”

So here’s to the bureaucratic absurdity of health-insurance-regulated nachos. Because while laughter may be the best medicine, waiting 7-10 business days for cheese approval definitely isn’t.

#nachos #thewanderingnacho #snackbureaucracy #nachocareportal #overprescribedsnacks

Image created using DALL-E.