The Nacho Button That Should Exist by Now

Every now and then, I have an idea that feels dangerously close to genius. Usually, that feeling fades somewhere between the second bite and the grease napkin. But this one stuck around longer than it should have.

What if there were a Nachos App?

Not another delivery service or recipe aggregator, but a dedicated nacho ecosystem — the kind of app that understood hunger as both a craving and a calling. You’d open it and find the NachoMap, a glowing atlas of nearby platters rated by cheese-to-chip ratio and overall emotional stability. Users could earn badges like Crunch Cartographer or Guac Whisperer. Humanity would finally have metrics that matter.

Then there’d be the NachoBuilder, where you could design your ideal plate — choose chip type, melt level, and topping symmetry — and get a recipe or restaurant suggestion. Because if we can customize our coffee orders, we should be able to architect our snacks.

And of course, the NachoNow Button, an emergency feature for those moments when dinner feels too far away. Tap once, and somewhere, a bell rings and nachos appear. (Or at least, they should. We have the technology for drone delivery but somehow not this.)

Naturally, there’d be mini games, because no app survives without distractions. Salsa Run for speed and chaos. Nacho Royale for competitive crunching. Cheesequake when you just want to test your structural integrity. And The Silent Crunch — a stealth game for anyone who’s ever tried to eat nachos quietly in a meeting.

It’s ridiculous, sure — but tell me this doesn’t sound better than doom scrolling. Until it exists, I’ll take the original analog Nacho App — extra cheese, no updates required.